Struggling to Make Friends as an Asian in the U.S.? Here’s Why—And How to Change That
If you’re an Asian person living in the U.S., you may wonder why making new friends feels so difficult. Is it because of cultural differences? Is it the way friendships are formed in American society? Or is it something more personal?
Many Asians—whether immigrants, second-generation, or international students—find themselves struggling to build deep connections outside of their existing social circles. This isn’t just anecdotal; research suggests that cultural values, upbringing, and even social norms in the U.S. play a role in how friendships are formed and maintained.
Friendship in Asian and American Cultures
In many Asian cultures, friendships tend to be long-term, deeply loyal, and often built within structured environments like school, family connections, or work. A friend is someone you can rely on for life, not just for casual meet-ups. In contrast, American culture tends to emphasize “situational friendships”—relationships that are formed based on shared activities, hobbies, or convenience. These friendships can be meaningful but may also be more fluid, changing with time and circumstances.
This difference in expectations can create frustration. You may feel that people you meet are friendly but not necessarily interested in deepening the connection. Or you may be waiting for friendships to develop naturally, only to realize that others expect you to be more proactive in reaching out.
The Challenge of Initiating Friendships
Research on social integration shows that people from collectivist cultures (which include most Asian cultures) often hesitate to initiate friendships in individualistic societies like the U.S. There’s an unspoken expectation in many Asian upbringings that if someone truly likes you, they will make an effort to include you. But in American culture, where socializing is more self-driven, waiting to be invited means you may be left out.
A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that Americans tend to see friendship-building as an active choice—something they cultivate through effort—while people from collectivist cultures often see friendships as something that happens naturally over time. If you’ve been waiting for friendships to form organically, you may need to shift your approach and take the first step.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Fear of Rejection
For many Asians, the fear of rejection or being perceived as “intruding” can make socializing stressful. This is especially true for those raised with high expectations around social harmony—where speaking out too much, being too direct, or putting yourself forward might feel uncomfortable.
However, studies show that people tend to be far more accepting of new social connections than we expect. Research by psychologist Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago found that people consistently underestimate how much others enjoy talking to them, which leads to unnecessary social hesitation. In other words, most people are more open to making friends than you might assume.
Practical Steps to Make New Friends in the U.S.
If you’re struggling to expand your social circle, here are some evidence-based strategies that may help:
Reframe Your Mindset – Instead of assuming that people already have their established friend groups, remind yourself that many people—even those who seem socially confident—are also looking for meaningful connections.
Be Intentional – In the U.S., friendships often require conscious effort. Be the one to suggest a coffee meet-up, a lunch, or a shared activity. If you meet someone at an event and get along, follow up. Friendships don’t just happen—they are built.
Join Structured Activities – Studies show that people bond more easily when they see each other regularly in a shared context. Join a club, volunteer, or take a class where you’ll have repeated interactions with the same people.
Embrace Small Talk – While deep conversations are valued in Asian friendships, small talk is an important gateway to getting there in American culture. Ask people about their day, their interests, and what they’ve been up to—this builds comfort and familiarity.
Show Vulnerability – Research by Dr. Brené Brown shows that people connect more deeply when they see each other’s authentic selves. Don’t be afraid to share your experiences and struggles; it makes others feel closer to you.
Recognize Friendship Styles – Not everyone will be a lifelong friend, and that’s okay. Some friendships will be deep, others casual. Learning to appreciate different types of friendships can help ease frustration.
Practice Consistency – Friendships grow through repeated interactions. If you meet someone you like, don’t wait for another random encounter—message them, make plans, and be consistent.
The Bigger Picture
Struggling to make friends isn’t just an “Asian” issue—it’s a human one. But cultural differences can make the challenge feel more personal. The key is to recognize that friendships don’t happen the same way in every culture, and that adapting your approach doesn’t mean losing who you are—it just means learning a new way to connect.
By taking small, intentional steps, you’ll find that building friendships is possible, and more people than you realize are open to welcoming you into their lives.