You Are a Chinese American Kid, and You Are Struggling to Relate to Your Parents—What Can You Do?
If you’re growing up in a Chinese American household, you may feel like you’re caught between two worlds. At school, you navigate American culture with ease—joking with friends, debating ideas in class, embracing the freedoms and individualism that are encouraged. But at home, the rules are different. Your parents may emphasize respect, obedience, and duty to family. They may not openly express affection, expect you to prioritize school over everything, and view your struggles as problems to be solved rather than feelings to be validated.
It can feel isolating. You love your family, but you don’t always feel understood. You want to respect your parents’ values, but you also want to be your own person. You might find yourself frustrated when they criticize you for talking back when you were just trying to explain your perspective. Or hurt when they dismiss your anxiety or sadness as something you should just "get over." And when you try to talk to your non-Asian friends, they might not fully get it—they don’t have parents who expect them to take care of them when they’re old or feel ashamed if they don’t live up to family expectations.
So what can you do?
Understand Where Your Parents Are Coming From
Your parents’ approach to parenting isn’t random—it comes from their own upbringing. Many Chinese parents grew up in environments where survival was the priority. Expressing emotions, questioning authority, or putting personal happiness first wasn’t an option. Hard work, sacrifice, and duty to family were not just values but necessities.
That’s why they may struggle to understand mental health issues, why they push you so hard, and why they don’t openly say “I love you” even if they feel it deeply. To them, love is shown through actions—making sure you have food, shelter, and opportunities they never had.
Understanding this doesn’t mean you have to accept everything without question. But it can help reframe their reactions. They’re not being cold or dismissive because they don’t care. They may just not have the language for the kind of emotional support you need.
Communicate in a Way They Understand
Many Chinese parents aren’t used to direct emotional conversations. Telling them, “You never listen to me,” or “I feel like you don’t love me,” might make them defensive. Instead, try using language that aligns with their values.
Frame things in terms of family harmony: Instead of saying, “You’re too controlling,” say, “I want us to have a good relationship, and I think we can understand each other better.”
Show that you respect their intentions: “I know you want the best for me, and I appreciate that. But when you say [X], it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
Use examples they can relate to: If they don’t understand mental health, you can compare it to physical health: “If I broke my leg, you’d want me to go to a doctor. My anxiety/depression is like that—it’s real, and I need support.”
Find Your Own Support System
Sometimes, no matter how much you try, your parents just won’t get it. That’s not your fault. But it does mean you’ll need to build other spaces where you can feel heard and understood.
Talk to friends who share your experience. Other Asian American kids may be going through similar struggles. Connecting with them can make you feel less alone.
Seek mentors or counselors who understand Asian American identity. Therapists who specialize in Asian American mental health or teachers who have supported students like you can provide validation and guidance.
Find ways to express yourself. Whether it’s journaling, creating art, or joining community groups, having an outlet for your feelings can help when conversations at home feel impossible.
Accept That Some Things May Never Change—And That’s Okay
It’s frustrating, but your parents may never fully understand you in the way you want. They may never say “I’m proud of you” or ask about your feelings the way you wish they would. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means they show it differently.
At the same time, you don’t have to mold yourself into their expectations just to make them happy. You are allowed to define your own path, even if it looks different from what they imagined.
The key is finding balance—respecting your parents’ culture while also making space for your own identity. It’s not easy, and the tension may never fully go away. But as you grow, you’ll find ways to bridge the gap—on your own terms.